I have very few girlfriends. My closest female relationships are to my mom, my daughter and my cousin. I envy women who seem to have bountiful, strong female relationships. During my first marriage, I spent a lot of time raising a family, going to school, and working. Developing long-term friendships was hard because my time was so limited. Also my ex-husband wasn’t the easiest person to be around and too often, would make negative comments, which would then make me question the friendships I had.
When I divorced, one of my goals was to really work on lasting female friendships. At the urging of my therapist, I joined some meet-up groups that were ran by women. There I met a few friends, where we would regularly meet for different events. One of the women I became particularly close to and felt like that I had finally found someone that would be in my life a long time. There was a small group of us that hung out regularly, but she and I would hang out and text each other daily or sometimes several times during the week.
In the early part of the friendship, one of the women in the small group, all of a sudden became an outsider. My friend, Loni, regaled me with all the wrongdoings of this friend and how needy and demanding she had become. I didn’t know this other woman very well and also didn’t want to be thrown in the midst of drama, so I never really questioned any of what I was being told.
One time, Loni and I met after I got off of work for happy hour. We were sitting at the bar for about 20 minutes, when Loni’s eyes got really big and she said to me, “Molly is here!” Molly seemed genuinely surprised to see us and I could tell by the look on her face that she was also hurt. We chatted briefly and then Molly waited for another friend who was there to meet with her.
A couple of months later, someone from the meet-up group organized a get together at a local park where music would be playing. I signed up to join, but Loni couldn’t make it. There I met Fernanda, who was kind of loud and abrasive, but was fun to be around. I knew that she had to meet Loni and so organized a time for the three of us to meet. The three of us starting hanging out regularly, which was very reminiscent of when Loni, Molly and I were hanging out. Loni and Molly had been inseparable, then I joined the group, and Loni inexplicably dropped Molly and focused her attention on me.
Do you see where I’m going with this?
Loni and Fernanda are now besties. I’ve been dropped like a hot potato. Over the course of this past year, I’ve reached out a number of times, thinking at first, it was all due to the pandemic. Then I started seeing postings of them hanging out together. I would text Loni to ask how she was doing and when things started opening up again, we should hang out. After I got married, I sent Loni and Fernanda a text saying that my new husband and I would be in the area and wanted to know if they would be interested in meeting up. They both said yes. I guess I thought that if I kept making the effort, that Loni would finally show up for me.
When my dog became critically ill at the beginning of March of this year, I reached out to her. She had watched my dog a couple of times when I had to be out of town. Her dog had been critically ill and had passed away last year. Prior to him passing, I checked in on her regularly to see how he was doing. The day that I texted her, I really had no idea if my dog was going to make it or not. She texted back to say she was sorry to hear that and since then? Not a peep.
I’m not going to lie and say this rejection doesn’t hurt. And, I always question what I could have done differently when a friendship ends. In this case, I honestly believe I did everything I could to develop and nurture this friendship and for some inexplicable reason, she has moved on to the next friend.
note: names have been changed.
Oh ouch! I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. I know you’ve probably heard it before but they say people come into your life for a reason, season or lifetime. In my personal experience, there’s not many lifetime friends, but many seasonal ones, and it’s those that teach us lessons. This is hard and painful, I know how you feel. Take care x
Yes, I sometimes get down on myself for not having closer friendships, but I am blessed in many other ways. I try to be mindful of that.
Ouch. And yup. I totally hear you on this. I’m in the middle of walking away from a very similar kind of situation.
Some people are serial friendogamists, I think. They can’t do more than one friend at a time.
It’s tough walking away but I’m okay with it now. It took me some time to get to this place of acceptance and not taking it personal. I agree about the serial friendogamist aspect.
It sounds like Loni is still back in Jr High. Don’t give up on making new friends, just because she treated you so poorly. Is there a possibility to re-connect with Molly?
Just know that it’s not you!
I don’t believe in best friends and try to find like minded people who enjoy a wide range of people and activities. Most of my close friends I met through work, then we continued in retirement in a birthday group and a bit different set of friends in a book club. Some of my friendships have faded during the pandemic; a few will bounce back, but others are probably gone for good.