Sometimes change happens, even if you don’t want it. If you have been reading my blog for any length of time, you know that I was thrust into a change that I never anticipated, nor wanted. And I’m still working on what the change means for me and for what kind of life I want for the remaining days (and years, I hope) I have on this planet.
Other change is what we want to see happen because we aren’t particularly satisfied with something. Right now, that’s the kind of change I’m seeking and I’m working on motivation. I do not like feeling fat. I do not like feeling lethargic. I get trapped though and part of it is because I have this constant voice in my head to NOT DO THE THING I want to do.
This is the voice of self doubt and worry of what other people think. I hate fucking hate it.
This is the voice that keeps me inside of my apartment instead going out and exploring. Living the life I want instead of the life I’m imagining.
So I’m challenging myself right now. On this blog. Holding myself accountable publicly!
This week I will:
- Take myself out to dinner on a date with myself
- Go jogging three times
- Plan a quick week-end trip to some place I’ve not been before.
The last few weeks have been really tough for me for some reason. I was in a dark place. I don’t know if it’s the because of the weather which has been really wet, a few weeks of insomnia, or if it’s the fact that the ex called me during the holidays or everything combined. Actually, it is probably due to all of the above that set me back to a really dark place. All I know is that each time I go back to that dark place and emerge, I feel like I’ve slayed another demon that needed to be slayed.
I’m not going to rehash the details of my worst nights (I’m taking a break from alcohol as it definitely DOES NOT HELP AT ALL), other than to say it was scary to feel what I was feeling. And I know that I have a couple of really great people in my corner that I can text or call when I have to and I don’t utilize like I should.
One of the bad nights, I actually walked down to the water. I live very close to it. I needed to hear the sound of the ocean. It was raining out. There was no other thought than to be by the water, get out of my apartment, walk and breathe. There is a gazebo that is by the water that was my destination. I had to get there in order to just feel what I was feeling. Feel the sadness. Cry to the sound of the waves.
I laid down in the gazebo and just listened to the waves, cried and let the waves of my emotions roll over me.
I would like to say that I felt better immediately after, but it doesn’t work that way. I’ve come to discover that those moments of feeling better, the cathartic release of relief or being on the other side may not occur until days later.
When I have come to the other side – the place I’m at right now, the light, everything seems possible. That I will be better, stronger, and more resilient. (Although how fucking resilient does one need to be in this lifetime? Can someone answer that for me, please?)
It’s working through the trauma that I experienced the last seven months with the ex along with other trauma from my childhood. It’s interesting how life is so interconnected. That if you don’t deal with shit, it comes up in some way later. So I’m trying to deal with ALL OF THE EMOTIONS because I’m so ready to live in the light.