A couple of men I have dated and who I felt there was a connection to seemed to want to be “exclusive” right away. According to Urban Dictionary, the definition for exclusiveness in a dating relationship means the following: The state of being with one person, and only one person, without labeling yourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend. I will admit at the age of 52, I’m not fond of the terms boyfriend/girlfriend. I’m also not fond of dating a whole lot people at once because it creates too much drama for me. I have enough trouble keeping track of my own shit without trying to keep track of a slew of other people as well.
So for both men, we talked about exclusiveness. For me, I was adamant that it would mean we agree to disable our dating profiles, which I complied with right away. It also meant not dating other people as we got to know each other. For them, it appears that exclusiveness was one sided only. Both men were adamant about me not seeing other people, but oddly when I checked their online profiles – not only were they active, but they were also online. (Hint to online daters – I’ve tried several online dating websites and all of them show when the other person is online in some way – even if you block the other person!) This is the thing – both of these men ask me to be exclusive with them. I did not bring it up with either person and would have been fine just dating them. In my opinion, if you are still using a dating website, then you are still looking for dates. Called me old-fashioned, but you can’t be exclusive with someone if you looking to engage with other people.
This dating experience has taught me to be firm in my boundaries. Chump Lady has also helped me to see that some people expect us to be chumps in the name of love or strong like and to be excited about the kibbles some provide to us. I want more than kibbles, dammit. And as I’ve told my therapist, I’m worth getting to know and exclusiveness has to be mutually agreed up with both parties abiding by the agreement. And if you get caught, own up to your shit and move on. When you are in your 40s, 50s and beyond, we should be beyond the game playing – yet, some seem to get satisfaction out of doing just that.
My deal breakers right now are dishonesty and not being trustworthy. I have no problem ending a relationship if I feel like you have violated either one. Yet, these men seem to get all butt-hurt when called out on their dishonesty. They also seem to want their cake and eat it too. I put up with that particular bullshit from the ex because I had invested 3 decades with him and we have children and grandchildren. I’m sure as hell not going to put up with it from someone I’ve only known a couple of weeks or months (yes to the latter – I put up with it from someone for longer than I should have because – well, I just did).
There are so many steps and complexities to the on-line dating world, aren’t there? It’s overwhelming sometimes. After that dumping (blindsided) in June, I’ve met a guy and we just had the exclusive talk. We’ll see where it goes from here, I guess. Difficult for me to trust anyone these days.