There are times when I feel like I’m not making any progress as I work through this grief. I worry that some people think I should give over it already (including the stbx) and are just tired of me talking about it. There are many times when I feel like I’m doing well and ready to move forward, then I feel like I’m right back at square one, facing the intense pain that I felt when he first said “we” were done. There are so many nights when I have cried myself to sleep, really not wanting to wake up, but I do. I get dressed, go to work, and then I’m back home at the end of the day, by myself.
I try not to think about the stbx. I try not to think about what he is doing, who he is living with, what his life is like without me. I think for him, he wishes that I would disappear or hate him or not care or just go away and stop bugging him. He once told someone that I was “hanging on like a loose tooth.” I try not to and I really never thought I would be that kind of woman – desperately clinging to a man who clearly does not want her.
Along with this sadness is the anger that I feel at what he has done. It still doesn’t make any sense to me. I read messages that he sent to me just two years ago about how much he loves me, his hopes for our future, and can’t help but wonder how I ended up almost divorced, living alone. It’s obvious that for him, he moved on, both in his head and his heart a long time ago. It’s the only thing that makes sense to me.
He doesn’t want to hear about my sadness. He wants to move on from the damage he caused and doesn’t want me to bother him with my grief. He can call me when it conveniences him, but then gets angry with me when I need to talk to him and try to make sense of this life that he chose for me. I get that I can choose my own path now moving forward and I’m trying really fucking hard to work on that path. It’s just going to take me a while to process that the man that I thought I was married to for so long really does not exist anymore.
I don’t want him back. I know that he damaged me. I know that almost destroyed me. He says to me that I could never forgive him. I have forgiven, but I can’t forget. I don’t hold hatred in my heart for him. That’s not me. I am angry and hurt and just trying really fucking hard to make it through each day surrounded by my uncertainty of what my future holds. I can’t help that.