My brother called me stupid
All the time when I
was a little girl
I now have a bachelor and a master’s degree
My husband said he couldn’t
stand the sound of my voice
at the end of our marriage
I now have a weekly podcast
I refuse to let the limitations
of others define my own
©christal hall 2019
Sometimes change happens, even if you don’t want it. If you have been reading my blog for any length of time, you know that I was thrust into a change that I never anticipated, nor wanted. And I’m still working on what the change means for me and for what kind of life I want for the remaining days (and years, I hope) I have on this planet.
Other change is what we want to see happen because we aren’t particularly satisfied with something. Right now, that’s the kind of change I’m seeking and I’m working on motivation. I do not like feeling fat. I do not like feeling lethargic. I get trapped though and part of it is because I have this constant voice in my head to NOT DO THE THING I want to do.
This is the voice of self doubt and worry of what other people think. I hate fucking hate it.
This is the voice that keeps me inside of my apartment instead going out and exploring. Living the life I want instead of the life I’m imagining.
So I’m challenging myself right now. On this blog. Holding myself accountable publicly!
This week I will:
- Take myself out to dinner on a date with myself
- Go jogging three times
- Plan a quick week-end trip to some place I’ve not been before.
(Note: this is a piece I wrote for a course I’m doing by Martha Beck called “Write Into Light”.)
Dear Broken One,
I can see that you have loved a man for many years. Even though throughout the years, there have been many happy times, both have you have also seen many struggles that might have driven other people apart. Each time you both made it through, you would look at each other and think how lucky you were to have someone in your corner who would stick through the rough patches and love you so completely.
Then the roughest patch of all hit. This man you loved for so long has told you he is no longer in love with you. Despite his transgression, you are committed to this man because you understand that people fuck up. You cannot believe that he is willing to walk away from the life you both worked so hard on building. You try for months to get him to return to his previous self. You spend many days in shock and disbelief that this stranger comes and goes as he pleases with such callous disregard to you.
You find that alcohol helps numb the pain. The intense grief that you feel overwhelms you and the only thing you know to do is to retreat within yourself. You feel broke -shattered into a million pieces. You don’t know if you will ever feel whole again. The one thing you do know is that this pain you feel absolutely has to fucking stop. There is never any real intent to end it all. There is no note left. You want the life you thought you had returned to you but you know that life? It’s gone forever and you feel it is being replaced with a future that is scary and lonely.
You drink the peppermint schnapps straight from the bottle as you stare at the stars. The universe feels so vast and you feel like a speck that can be easily swept away and forgotten. You take the pills that the doctor prescribed to you to help you sleep. You remember thinking that not waking up would be a gift.
The next day you awaken anyway. The disappointment hits at the same time as the grief. You do not know how many more days you can take living this life. But, you do – live this life.
And I want you to know that this life is completely worth living. You will discover that you have courage to fight for yourself in the way that you used to fight for your children. That your mama bear will come out to fight this battle to show you that you are beautifully resilient and worthy of so much more. You will need to pull from deep within yourself at your deepest moments of despair and remember that this pain you are feeling is finite.
I will be here waiting for you on the other side. You are no longer broken, dear one, rather you are a beautiful mosaic of this life you have lived with its joy, pain, happiness, and grief comprising of your pieces.
Broken No More