When the pandemic hit and everything went into shut-down, it hit me hard. I’m a people person (an ambivert, actually) and enjoy going TO work and interacting WITH people. Being stuck at home in days that felt like the movie “Groundhog Day,” left me very depressed for about six weeks. My poor boyfriend didn’t quite know what to do with me in this state because of how upbeat I am most of the time.
I started writing a book, but it wasn’t what I needed. I continued to sing on the “Smule” app, which filled a little bit of my creativity muse, but not quite. I crocheted a hat for myself, which was fun and I still need to finish the one for my boyfriend. Then I saw a post on Facebook about the art subscription box “Let’s Make Art,” which promised to teach me how to paint (at least that’s how I interpreted it). So on a whim, I went with it. My very first painting was of a peony and my first attempt, sucked. However, what I noticed immediately is that it felt like meditation. Like seriously, meditative to the point that I lost time during the process and when I emerged, couldn’t believe the time that had passed. I re-painted the peony and this time, I paid more attention and was able to create something that I was pleased with. It felt like release. I ended up painting a few more things through the tutorials offered and I really enjoy the banter of Sara and her husband and the easy-going way Sara has about teaching others to do art.
Then my daughter tagged me to an artist on Instagram named Allison Lyon. And I did a couple of her tutorials. Like Sara, she has a very relaxing way of teaching and drawing you in. A couple of weeks after, I saw a post from a friend who has always been a creative, artsy person. She shared a painting she had done of a kind of quirky insect. I commented about how I loved how it looked. She shared with me the website called “Willowing Arts,” and I literally felt the world shift. Willowing Arts is led by the absolutely beautiful soul, Tamara Laporte. When I first started following her, she was hosting an art taster session, called Kaleidoscope. After just doing a few session, I knew I had to purchase the whole course.
The underlying theme through all of this is that each one of these artists have chosen to share their gift with the world and have decided to teach in order to spread the beauty. My plan is to share my art journey on this blog. I wish I would have found this outlet earlier, but am so glad I found it when I did and recognize too, I found it exactly when I was supposed to.
The last few weeks have been really tough for me for some reason. I was in a dark place. I don’t know if it’s the because of the weather which has been really wet, a few weeks of insomnia, or if it’s the fact that the ex called me during the holidays or everything combined. Actually, it is probably due to all of the above that set me back to a really dark place. All I know is that each time I go back to that dark place and emerge, I feel like I’ve slayed another demon that needed to be slayed.
I’m not going to rehash the details of my worst nights (I’m taking a break from alcohol as it definitely DOES NOT HELP AT ALL), other than to say it was scary to feel what I was feeling. And I know that I have a couple of really great people in my corner that I can text or call when I have to and I don’t utilize like I should.
One of the bad nights, I actually walked down to the water. I live very close to it. I needed to hear the sound of the ocean. It was raining out. There was no other thought than to be by the water, get out of my apartment, walk and breathe. There is a gazebo that is by the water that was my destination. I had to get there in order to just feel what I was feeling. Feel the sadness. Cry to the sound of the waves.
I laid down in the gazebo and just listened to the waves, cried and let the waves of my emotions roll over me.
I would like to say that I felt better immediately after, but it doesn’t work that way. I’ve come to discover that those moments of feeling better, the cathartic release of relief or being on the other side may not occur until days later.
When I have come to the other side – the place I’m at right now, the light, everything seems possible. That I will be better, stronger, and more resilient. (Although how fucking resilient does one need to be in this lifetime? Can someone answer that for me, please?)
It’s working through the trauma that I experienced the last seven months with the ex along with other trauma from my childhood. It’s interesting how life is so interconnected. That if you don’t deal with shit, it comes up in some way later. So I’m trying to deal with ALL OF THE EMOTIONS because I’m so ready to live in the light.